WedLog

I think that waiting until the morning of the wedding to pick out my flowers is going to kill me a little bit, as I like to have things planned and detailed with plenty of time to spare.  But it’s worth it because it would be worse to try to deal with a florist and the hastle and the coordination.  I really love the very simple use of flowers here (via APW).  And I really love the look of this first picture.  Everyone looks happy and not overly matchy, but nicely coordinated.  And I love the single flowers that the ladies have and the simple use of one type of flowers for a very natural, modern looking bridal bouqet.

We’re thinking about alternative things to carry down the aisle.  We’ll both be walking arm-in-arm with both of our parents so I don’t want to carry anything too cumbersome.  But we’re thinking about each carrying half of the ketubah with us and maybe a single flower or a few of the same flower.  Which reminds me - we should start thinking about what we want the Ketubah to look like and who’s going to design/draw/print it … oh, and what it’s going to say …

Also, we finalized the order of the ceremony (with a little help from my mom).  Thankfully mom thought to consider the flow in terms of standing, sitting, and transitioning from one thing to the next.  She’s good to have around for things like that.  And for other general motherly wisdom.

On another note, my dad bought a new suit.  That he may or may not keep for reasons I’m not entirely sure of.  But before he did, he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t be dressed too similarly to the groom.  Jeff is wearing a somewhat unique suit with some novel attributes (subtle, don’t worry).  Anyway, I laughed at the idea that my dad might wind up in something similar - he didn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would wear a daring suit of any kind.  Then I found this picture and I laughed.  Aren’t they a handsome couple?  This was taken right around the time when they got married.

Oh, and that’s a 1977 Toyota Celica in case you were wondering.  It sparked a fun conversation at work this morning when I passed this picture around.  I’d kill to have that dress my mom is wearing.

So, the WIC.  WIC = Wedding Industrial Complex.  Click here for details.  It’s the embodiment of evil … at least for me.  tonight.  Meg has written a bit about it.  And when I read what she has to say I’m all geared up for some sort of bridal revolution about individuality, sanity, personality, practicality, and - dare I say - unity in weddings.  I thought I could fight away the WIC all on my own.  Turns out, when they’ve got your family and friends you’re pretty well done for.  That’s how they suck you in - it’s not always just about luring you with visions of matching dresses, big white cakes, and ice sculptures.  If that’s it all it was, this would be easy.  I can so no to an ice sculpture without even batting my big wedding-haze-bride-eyes.  No, the WIC is more intricate and clever than that.  Because it’s not enough that I realize the uselessness of the ice sculpture.  I have to get everyone else to realize it, too.  That, or I have to decide to be okay with their disappointed, pitiful, expectant, WIC-seduced faces.  So far my wedding is mostly private.  It’s just me and him and DIY bliss.  But every once-in-a-while someone asks some innocuous question that implies that I must be under your typical, wedding-induced, unbearable stress.  (You know, because I’m the bride and this is a wedding a.k.a a big ass white bride fest with pages of lists of things that have to match)  And then I get all excited to tell them about how I’ve discovered that weddings don’t have to be awful!  They can be personal and simple and reflect us (both of us - yes, spoiler, the groom can be involved!) and they don’t have to have ice sculptures (or thousand-dollar-cakes, or seven ladies in matching dresses, or bridal showers, or diamonds, or welcome baskets, or veils, or anything that doesn’t reflect who we are instead of what’s expected).  And then comes the confusion.  Because I am excited about my wedding.  But I’m not having a big white cake.  Or a melt down.  Except when I have to explain that I’m not having a big white cake - sometimes that induces a melt down.  “So you seem pretty hands-off about this whole wedding thing” they say.  And I correct them and tell them that I’m very excited and interested and so is my fiance.  It’s not “hands-off” because I’m not insisting on a particular color of toenail polish for the toes that peep through the matching shoes that the bridesmaids are forced to buy.

Here’s the deal - ya know how sorority girls fit into two categories?  There are the slutty, drunk ones that you can pick up at the sleezy bars or there are prissy, bookish ones who vote for conservatives and make nice trophy wives.  Brides are like that, too.  There are the crazy ones with glazed-over wedding eyes who can never have enough tulle and there are anti-brides who get married but don’t care much about the details.  The thing is, there are also sorority members who are smart and funny, liberal, well-read, witty, and cool and neither sleezy nor prim and drenched in pearls.  I was one of ‘em.  For a little while, at least.  There are also brides who are engaged in planning their weddings, which are celebrations of the couple - not just the bride - and unique and interesting, not exactly the same as every other tulle drenched, cookie-cutter, overpriced wedding.  And I’m one of ‘em.

And that would be all well and good.  Except weddings aren’t just about the couple - they’re about everyone else who’s important to the couple.  And all those people?  They’re WIC victims.  So how do you balance your vision of a practical, personal, unique, and simple wedding with the demands of the WIC that are alive and well in your friends and family?  How do you respond to “you really aren’t going to regret not having a diamond?” or “you’re not a bride without a veil” or “shouldn’t the bridesmaids at least have to wear the same fabric?” or “don’t forget that this is your one day to be a princess” or “what are you doing for welcome baskets?” ???  I don’t have the patience to be nice and diplomatic all the time.  My simple, honest, practical wedding is driving me crazy.  Because I’m not the kind of person who smiles and explains my beautiful vision calmly.  Instead, I roll my eyes.  A lot.  And yell at people I love when they just don’t get it.  Because they’ve become the manifestation of the WIC in my mind.  I just need to remind myself that it’s not their fault.  And learn to live with the fact that having a wedding that reflects who we are is not always what anyone else expects or considers “normal.”  And, gasp, they might not like it.  But I do.  And he does.  And here’s hoping that’s all that matters.  Because my guests aren’t getting a piece of a $2,000 cake.  Or an ice sculpture.

We already bought a few yards of some kitsch-vintage-wallpaper-esque fabric to use as a backdrop for funky portraits at the wedding, but now I will have to hunt down an ornate vintage frame or two so we can achieve this awesomeness:

via swissmiss

From Snippet & Ink.

Such pretty flowers via Once Wed:

Our Save the Dates were featured on Brooklyn Bride today!  Click the picture to see her post

Meg reminded me today about keeping up awareness of marriage equality.  We are painfully aware that we are entering into an civil institution that knowingly and purposefully discriminates against certain members of our society.  Some straight supporters of marriage equality have chosen not to get married in solidarity with the LGBT community.  I think that’s a beautiful statement and I support those who make that choice.  For me, marriage is not only a civil union but also a sacred, religious vocation and for this reason I am choosing to be married despite the discrimination.  Additionally, I think it’s a good thing to have supporters of marriage equality within the married community.  I am not willing to cede the institution of marriage to bigots until it is equal.  The more married people we have who believe that marriage should be allowed for all, the better.  And I want to be one more married couple who longs for the day when all are free to marry who they please.

We plan to add a “Civil Rights” section to our website with a link to support the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and thanks to the idea from some of the comments in APW, I’m thinking about having a portion of either the Massachusetts or Iowa Supreme Court decision allowing gay marriage be part of someone’s toast - or something similar.  And perhaps HRC could be one of the charities we donate to in lieu of favors.

On a happy note - what a GREAT week to be a daughter of Iowans!  I am so proud!!  I wore one of my Iowa t-shirts all weekend

I thought it was just me.  With the wedding nightmares.  But my sister’s been having them to:

I don’t remember all the details, or even the general story, but a few events stuck out.
First - I was really really late to this event that seemed to be your wedding but also we were shopping for my dress the day before the wedding … and there were about 50 people in your apartment, but it wasn’t your apartment because it had a giant basement, but they were all waiting for me. We were having a tea party.  Anyway, I showed up really late and I had forgotten to shower but it was too late so I had to wear my greasy hair in a pony tail for your wedding. I was also in sweatpants. On the way there, I got lost in the streets of New York but came across a group of sick, starving children from Africa. I thought it would help if I donated my cell phone to them, without being asked, so then I was without a cell phone and lost. Apparently I eventually figured out how to get there. Then my alarm went off so I never found out people’s response to my appearance, or your reaction.

And mine was frighteningly similar.  I dreamed that I forgot to check on the status of my dress … ever.  So for all I knew it may not have even come in to the store in Illinois, let alone been shipped to New York.  Not to mention dress fittings.  And I had forgotten to make programs.  Or buy shoes.  So my mom and I went to go find a new dress at 3pm (the dream wedding was going to take place at 5pm).  I was much more stressed out about programs in the dream, so I was trying to make them while people put dresses on me.  I also hadn’t showered and was trying to figure out something to do with my greasy, ratty hair.  I distinctly remember everyone else being much more concerned about this than I was.  They were yelling at me.  And they weren’t real people who I knew - just random wedding attendants.  And I was like, “Whatever, I just need to make the programs so everyone knows what’s going on at the wedding.”

No need for a psychiatrist.  I guess we’re both worried about getting everything done on time.  And I’m apparently worried that people won’t get what my wedding is all about.  Hence the frantic program-making.  It’s strange, though - I don’t feel at all worried in the light of day.  Nonetheless, I think it’s time to go over my timeline again.  Which is fine with me.  Because I LOVE LISTS!  At least lists that I make myself and that don’t come from some glossy magazine including ridiculous items like Meg’s does:

Brides: Choose your bridesmaids’ accessories (shoes, gloves, etc.) and either purchase or pass along purchasing information.

Brides: Experiment with your beauty routine, self-tanners, and facials.

But the best part is her commentary:

And just wait till next month. The three month list will require me to quit my job, get some heavy duty anxiety meds, and hire a wedding planner. It should be good times.

And one of the commenters added from her list:

Sit for your bridal portrait, if you decide to get one.

Yikes!  Bridal portrait?  No. Thank. You.  I’m already having nightmares about getting a dress, shoes, and programs.  I soooo don’t need a bridal portrait.  But I do still need to come up with the wording for our invitations.  That’s this weekend.

And maybe I should call that store in Illinois and check on the dress …

We met with Kelli tonight to begin the early stages of invitation design.  I hope we didn’t totally confuse her with our disparate tastes in stationary.  But I’ve yet to be anything but totally gleeful about anything she’s created for us, so no worries.  She also turned me on to Sesame Letterpress and I found these, which are so great!  They have several features that I like - they have two different types of aesthetics all rolled into one visually pleasing design.  They’re unique and interesting but still have a classic feel.  They look sophisticated but the little bees add some fun.  I like the colors, but not for our wedding.  (We’re going for more of an antique autumn look).  But overall, very awesome.

I am in love.  Yes, you know that - of course, I’m getting married.  But I’m referring to a different kind of love - my love for Meg.  And TTO and Bklyn and EastSide and Grace.  But mostly Meg.  I love her.  And she has inspired me to write more about the process and not just the details of this whole wedding extravaganza.  In the midst of all the lovely inspiration boards and DIY flowers and the like I kind of forgot the whole reason I set this little dlog up in the first place:

1. To connect with our Best Sisters and our Mothers - my mom and sister live far, far away and in order to help them be more active in the planning process I wanted them to be able to see my virtual wedding binder.

2. To keep a little virtual diary about the process of planning a sensible, considered, personal wedding that reflects who we are and what we value despite the pressures from the Wedding Industrial Complex (WIC).

So to stay true to number 2 I shall begin the reflections portion of my ramblings … now.

At the bookstore last night I made an indulgent purchase of the newest Martha Wedding mag.  It’s the only one I buy (read: the only one I can stomach) but it still hurts my practical, educated, liberated mind to read it.  But I just. can’t. help it.  Thankfully I mostly find the details ridiculous and I rarely feel envious of the things I cannot afford/are not my style.  But I empathize with the ladies who buckle under the pressures of the WIC and for this, I am sorry.  I am sorry that I buy Martha’s magazine.  But every once in a while there’s a really awesome place card design that I draw inspiration from and I must see it.

But the thing that gets me about these magazines and the most evil of all WIC media, the dreaded KNOT, is that they all look exactly the same.  Every itty bitty model making the dramatic come hither face in her strapless ball gown with cathedral train sprawled out on a decadent staircase beneath a crystal chandelier looks exactly the same and the next.  And none of them look like me - or anyone I know - or anyone I’d want to be friends with - or even sit next to at someone’s cookie cutter wedding.  But yet so many women, so many diverse women with such varying interests and tastes all have the same wedding.  I’ve been to a few, but mostly I’ve seen hundreds of them on facebook.  Eeek.

So my mission is to host a simple, practical, personal affair that reflects WHO WE ARE and not WHAT IS EXPECTED of us from the WIC, convention, tradition, etc.  And because of this I will continue to endure the confused reactions when I tell people that I don’t have a diamond (because I didn’t want one not because he’s too cheap and/or doesn’t love me enough), that I got him an engagement gift and surprised him with it before accepting the proposal (more on that later - one of my proudest moments), that I’m not hiring a florist, that we’re not going on a honeymoon right away, that I’m not changing my name, that I’m not having bridesmaids, that we’re not hiring a DJ, we’re not playing Jesu, Joy of a Man’s Desiring, we’re not reading 1Corinthians, etc, etc, etc.  And not that there’s anything wrong with any of those things, of course.  It’s just that they’re not US and so it doesn’t make sense for them to be at OUR wedding, you see.

Instead we do things that make us really, really happy (many thanks to Kelli) … like this: