WedLog

Yes, I stole the Title from East Side Bride.

She’s hilarious and blunt and I love her.  I, however, am not really all that outraged that someone posted a photo shoot in a “real weddings” section on a blog.  Because, seriously, have you seen the other “real weddings” in the blogosphere?  Come on!  So maybe they aren’t technically photo shoots for magazines and stuff, but seriously.  “Real weddings” that get featured on most blogs are basically indistinguishable from photo shoots.  Case(s) in point - the pictures below from Style Me Pretty and Southern Weddings Magazine.

Sure, I admit that I like to peruse the posts for elements I might incorporate into my wedding, but let’s be blunt.  If it looks like a photo shoot, and feels like a photo shoot, and was staged, lit, shot, and edited by a professional photographer then how is it not a photo shoot?  Seems to me that it was a photo shoot of your wedding.  Except that you styled it instead of the photographer.

I fully intend for my wedding not to be a photo shoot.  Other things to keep in mind:

Your wedding is not a state dinner

Your wedding is not a debutante ball

Your wedding does not involve royalty

Your wedding is not a gallery exhibit of all of your unique talents and interests

Your wedding does not exist for the sole purpose of impressing your friends

Your wedding is not a transaction of woman from father to husband*

*hopefully

Now that we have a new plan in place, I’m ready to discuss the mini crisis. Basically, things at Scottadito fell apart. It’s my impression that they have terrible management problems. Since we’ve been in touch with them (about 8 months or so) they have gone through 4 different events managers. Between all the hirings and firings (or quittings; we don’t know the stories) they not-surprisingly lost the latest copy of our contract. And then at the 11^th hour (after a tasting) the owner told us they had changed their policy and won’t be closing the restaurant for private events. If we could cut our guest list in half and use their back room (with no room for dancing) then he’d be willing to work with us. Um, no. Not possible.

Can’t we sue them, you ask? Didn’t we have a signed contract and hadn’t we put a deposit down? Well, not exactly. Which, in retrospect, is weird but it didn’t seem like a problem at the time. We had been told by the first two events managers that the contract was in the books and that we should sign it and put down our deposit as soon as we did a tasting, because we shouldn’t finalize it until we’d decided on a menu. And because their menus change seasonally we shouldn’t really do a tasting until closer to the event. That seemed reasonable. So in late June we set up a tasting. When we got there the events manager we had met with before (who was not the first one we’d met with) had been replaced (again) and the new events manager was being replaced the following week (RED FLAGS). So we were more than a little nervous. Then the owner came in, but didn’t say anything to us – not even a quick hello and introduction. He did a lot of conversing the events manager that we could see out of the corner of our eyes and it all felt very fishy. Then the events manager told us to email our final menu choices and our version of the contract (which was slightly but not substantively different than the version she had on file) to the owner because he’d be handling it during the transition to the newer new events manager. We did as such and he responded (more than a week later) with the following:

Hi Cara
We have changed our policy and will not be closing our restaurant for events.
Our new policy is events up to 65 guests only
If that works for you we should sit down next Wednesday evening ,July 8 th,
and finalize you event
Donald

Our guest list, based on what THEY told us they could accommodate, is 130. So, yeah, 65 won’t work. I replied as follows:

Donald,

This is incredibly disappointing and disconcerting.  We need to speak
in person about this.  Please either give me a call at [phone number] or
let me know when I can contact you or stop by to discuss this.

Cara Winter

And he responded that he’d be in the office after the July 4^th holiday weekend and would get in touch me then. He has yet to get in touch with me. Today is July 17^th. I have decided not to deal with this guy because I cannot trust him and this is a slightly important event, ya know? So instead of hounding him like crazy and going mad trying to deal with someone who is clearly not interested in working with me, I’ve focused my energies elsewhere. I quickly secured a new restaurant* that can either host in-house or cater off-site. (We decided to host at the restaurant since locations in NY are either booked, super expensive or not to our liking). This is a restaurant in our neighborhood that we dine at often. I’ve met the owner before and she actually owns a flower shop/bar (very cool place) as well and I’m already working with her for wedding flowers, so we’ve established a relationship and I trust her. We couldn’t be more excited. We have plans to sign the new contract and put down a deposit this week. The only logistical hiccup is that this place is further away from the church, so walking from the ceremony to the reception is no longer a possibility. Thus, we have to figure out transportation for our guests. We have some options and we’re figuring out details and I think it’s all going to come together nicely.

So, mini crisis averted … er, mitigated.

Now we’re in the home stretch … less than 3 months to go, LOTS to do. Inevitable wedding craziness on the horizon. Invitations are being re-worked, ceremony details are being nailed down, transportation issues are being handled, wardrobe decisions are being made, and the marriage is getting closer and closer and closer … *happiness*

In other news, my dad is in town this weekend! So he’ll get to see the new restaurant and we’ll get to spend the day together on Sunday, which is always fun and something to look forward to.

*The new restaurant is The Farm on Adderley.  I’ll post more about it later, it’s a lovely little spot in Kensington/Ditmas Park that we adore.

So, two more dreams. The first (from before the mini-crisis*) was very calm. I again didn’t have anything ready for the wedding – no programs, no shoes, hadn’t done a dress fitting so the dress was a foot too long and too big on top, no flowers, hadn’t finalized the ceremony with the priest, etc. etc. But in that dream I didn’t stress out at all. And in fact my mom showed up at the last minute with a beautiful headband for me to wear (to distract from the dress that didn’t fit) and an awesome pair of shoes. And my attitude during the whole dream was very calm and not worried.

Contrast that with the dream I had last night (post mini-crisis*): I hadn’t finalized the details of the reception with the new restaurant so I was just hoping that they’d be ready when we got there and that there wouldn’t be other people there eating dinner. Again, I had no programs, we hadn’t done a rehearsal and I wasn’t confident that the priest was going to show up. I distinctly remember crying through the whole dream. It felt incredibly realistic in the way that only terrible nightmares feel. I was devastated. And, strangely, the part that I was most devastated about was that I hadn’t gotten to do seating arrangements. Figuring out seating arrangements, unlike for most couples, is probably the thing that I am MOST looking forward to with the whole wedding. So when I realized that I’d forgotten to do them in this dream I was crushed. Oh man it was terrible. I woke up with one of those corny Hollywood gasps and I almost started to cry in bed from the trauma. Clearly, I don’t do well when things aren’t nailed down and decided.

Time to set up that last meeting with the priest, sign a new contract for the reception, meet with Allison to revise the flowers, get the dress fitted (appointment on Sunday), arrange transportation, fix the invitations, design the programs, make the Ketubah, get a day-of timeline nailed down and then make hair appointments (which I wish was done already but the mini-crisis has created an unknown for day-of timing).

*mini-crisis … more to come later but suffice it to say we have to change our reception venue, which is not an easy task in New York (wedding-season-saturated) with only 3 months. But we have options that we’re happy with so things look good.

So, I never wrote a post about marriage prep.  As of last month some time, Jeff and I are officially prepared for marriage. Yes, we took our marriage preparation course with the Brooklyn diocese last month and we passed! (Actually, you just have to show up - no one passes or fails). And we actually really enjoyed the weekend.

It was led a charming couple, Ernie and Gabby, who have been married for 58 years. They’re both in their 80s and they have had a quite a life together. They met at a restaurant in Brooklyn not long after Ernie returned from the war (he was a marine). Ernie says he walked in with his buddies and she was at a table with her girlfriends and he looked at her and said to his friends, “I’m going to marry that girl.” So he and his buddies invited the girls to a dance and the rest is history … or, well, the rest was the basis for the class they taught on how to be married, I guess. They were funny and youthful and full of spirit. They were open and honest and talked about how the first 10 years of their marriage was really hard. They didn’t communicate well and they didn’t understand each others’ needs. But they went on a marriage encounter weekend and it turned their lives around. Now they teach this class to help other couples deal with marital issues before they spend 10 years in a bad marriage.

On Friday night we had a wonderful priest lead a prayer service and give a great talk about marriage. His name was Father Perry and he’s the pastor at a parish in Ditmas Park. We’re thinking about riding our bikes there when the weather gets nicer to pay him a visit. He was insightful and progressive and reminded me of my two favorite priests - Fr. Bob Hoffman (who was the pastor at the church I grew up in) and Msgr. Stewart Swetland (who was the pastor at the church at my college). He read 1 Corinthians (”love is patient, love is kind …”) and suggested that if we use that reading at our weddings, to have an old couple read it. He said when a couple who have been married for many years reads that passage, it takes on a completely new meaning. Love is something deeper and more beautiful when it’s been aged for years. He talked about a man whose wife of many years had been sick for quite some time. Their son took him to a ball game one day to get him out of the house. After the game the son suggested going out to dinner, but the man insisted he go back home to have dinner with his wife. When the son said, “Dad, you don’t have to - someone’s there to care for her, let’s go out and take your mind off of it and enjoy some time to ourselves for a few hours,” the man responded that it wasn’t that he felt obligated to go home, it was that he wanted to go home. He wanted to have dinner with his wife. He wanted to sit next to her bed and eat his TV dinner next to her, even though she was barely responsive. He wanted her company because he loved her. He changed her colostomy bag because he wanted to care for her, because he wanted to be with her, because he loved her. And then the priest made a joke about how you don’t hear love poems and love songs very often about changing colostomy bags - but that that is what love is. That is what marriage is.

We both thoroughly enjoyed marriage prep, actually.  And I totally think it’s the kind of thing that should be required for everyone who gets married.  Because we actually heard someone tell their fiance that they had a step sister who lived in Connecticut.  They didn’t know that already, and they’re planning to get married.  And another couple we overheard discussing whether or not they’re religious.  As in, “Do you go to church?”  Um … Do you go to church?  Isn’t that like 2nd date type material?  Yikes.

So, to sum up, we’re very happy to be getting married in a place that requires not just wedding day preparation, but real marriage preparation, too.  Because when the day is done we have a lifetime of marriage awaiting.  And you can’t hire a wedding coordinator to take care of the sticky details for the rest of your life …

I think that waiting until the morning of the wedding to pick out my flowers is going to kill me a little bit, as I like to have things planned and detailed with plenty of time to spare.  But it’s worth it because it would be worse to try to deal with a florist and the hastle and the coordination.  I really love the very simple use of flowers here (via APW).  And I really love the look of this first picture.  Everyone looks happy and not overly matchy, but nicely coordinated.  And I love the single flowers that the ladies have and the simple use of one type of flowers for a very natural, modern looking bridal bouqet.

We’re thinking about alternative things to carry down the aisle.  We’ll both be walking arm-in-arm with both of our parents so I don’t want to carry anything too cumbersome.  But we’re thinking about each carrying half of the ketubah with us and maybe a single flower or a few of the same flower.  Which reminds me - we should start thinking about what we want the Ketubah to look like and who’s going to design/draw/print it … oh, and what it’s going to say …

Also, we finalized the order of the ceremony (with a little help from my mom).  Thankfully mom thought to consider the flow in terms of standing, sitting, and transitioning from one thing to the next.  She’s good to have around for things like that.  And for other general motherly wisdom.

On another note, my dad bought a new suit.  That he may or may not keep for reasons I’m not entirely sure of.  But before he did, he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t be dressed too similarly to the groom.  Jeff is wearing a somewhat unique suit with some novel attributes (subtle, don’t worry).  Anyway, I laughed at the idea that my dad might wind up in something similar - he didn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would wear a daring suit of any kind.  Then I found this picture and I laughed.  Aren’t they a handsome couple?  This was taken right around the time when they got married.

Oh, and that’s a 1977 Toyota Celica in case you were wondering.  It sparked a fun conversation at work this morning when I passed this picture around.  I’d kill to have that dress my mom is wearing.

So, the WIC.  WIC = Wedding Industrial Complex.  Click here for details.  It’s the embodiment of evil … at least for me.  tonight.  Meg has written a bit about it.  And when I read what she has to say I’m all geared up for some sort of bridal revolution about individuality, sanity, personality, practicality, and - dare I say - unity in weddings.  I thought I could fight away the WIC all on my own.  Turns out, when they’ve got your family and friends you’re pretty well done for.  That’s how they suck you in - it’s not always just about luring you with visions of matching dresses, big white cakes, and ice sculptures.  If that’s it all it was, this would be easy.  I can so no to an ice sculpture without even batting my big wedding-haze-bride-eyes.  No, the WIC is more intricate and clever than that.  Because it’s not enough that I realize the uselessness of the ice sculpture.  I have to get everyone else to realize it, too.  That, or I have to decide to be okay with their disappointed, pitiful, expectant, WIC-seduced faces.  So far my wedding is mostly private.  It’s just me and him and DIY bliss.  But every once-in-a-while someone asks some innocuous question that implies that I must be under your typical, wedding-induced, unbearable stress.  (You know, because I’m the bride and this is a wedding a.k.a a big ass white bride fest with pages of lists of things that have to match)  And then I get all excited to tell them about how I’ve discovered that weddings don’t have to be awful!  They can be personal and simple and reflect us (both of us - yes, spoiler, the groom can be involved!) and they don’t have to have ice sculptures (or thousand-dollar-cakes, or seven ladies in matching dresses, or bridal showers, or diamonds, or welcome baskets, or veils, or anything that doesn’t reflect who we are instead of what’s expected).  And then comes the confusion.  Because I am excited about my wedding.  But I’m not having a big white cake.  Or a melt down.  Except when I have to explain that I’m not having a big white cake - sometimes that induces a melt down.  “So you seem pretty hands-off about this whole wedding thing” they say.  And I correct them and tell them that I’m very excited and interested and so is my fiance.  It’s not “hands-off” because I’m not insisting on a particular color of toenail polish for the toes that peep through the matching shoes that the bridesmaids are forced to buy.

Here’s the deal - ya know how sorority girls fit into two categories?  There are the slutty, drunk ones that you can pick up at the sleezy bars or there are prissy, bookish ones who vote for conservatives and make nice trophy wives.  Brides are like that, too.  There are the crazy ones with glazed-over wedding eyes who can never have enough tulle and there are anti-brides who get married but don’t care much about the details.  The thing is, there are also sorority members who are smart and funny, liberal, well-read, witty, and cool and neither sleezy nor prim and drenched in pearls.  I was one of ‘em.  For a little while, at least.  There are also brides who are engaged in planning their weddings, which are celebrations of the couple - not just the bride - and unique and interesting, not exactly the same as every other tulle drenched, cookie-cutter, overpriced wedding.  And I’m one of ‘em.

And that would be all well and good.  Except weddings aren’t just about the couple - they’re about everyone else who’s important to the couple.  And all those people?  They’re WIC victims.  So how do you balance your vision of a practical, personal, unique, and simple wedding with the demands of the WIC that are alive and well in your friends and family?  How do you respond to “you really aren’t going to regret not having a diamond?” or “you’re not a bride without a veil” or “shouldn’t the bridesmaids at least have to wear the same fabric?” or “don’t forget that this is your one day to be a princess” or “what are you doing for welcome baskets?” ???  I don’t have the patience to be nice and diplomatic all the time.  My simple, honest, practical wedding is driving me crazy.  Because I’m not the kind of person who smiles and explains my beautiful vision calmly.  Instead, I roll my eyes.  A lot.  And yell at people I love when they just don’t get it.  Because they’ve become the manifestation of the WIC in my mind.  I just need to remind myself that it’s not their fault.  And learn to live with the fact that having a wedding that reflects who we are is not always what anyone else expects or considers “normal.”  And, gasp, they might not like it.  But I do.  And he does.  And here’s hoping that’s all that matters.  Because my guests aren’t getting a piece of a $2,000 cake.  Or an ice sculpture.

Meg reminded me today about keeping up awareness of marriage equality.  We are painfully aware that we are entering into an civil institution that knowingly and purposefully discriminates against certain members of our society.  Some straight supporters of marriage equality have chosen not to get married in solidarity with the LGBT community.  I think that’s a beautiful statement and I support those who make that choice.  For me, marriage is not only a civil union but also a sacred, religious vocation and for this reason I am choosing to be married despite the discrimination.  Additionally, I think it’s a good thing to have supporters of marriage equality within the married community.  I am not willing to cede the institution of marriage to bigots until it is equal.  The more married people we have who believe that marriage should be allowed for all, the better.  And I want to be one more married couple who longs for the day when all are free to marry who they please.

We plan to add a “Civil Rights” section to our website with a link to support the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and thanks to the idea from some of the comments in APW, I’m thinking about having a portion of either the Massachusetts or Iowa Supreme Court decision allowing gay marriage be part of someone’s toast - or something similar.  And perhaps HRC could be one of the charities we donate to in lieu of favors.

On a happy note - what a GREAT week to be a daughter of Iowans!  I am so proud!!  I wore one of my Iowa t-shirts all weekend

I thought it was just me.  With the wedding nightmares.  But my sister’s been having them to:

I don’t remember all the details, or even the general story, but a few events stuck out.
First - I was really really late to this event that seemed to be your wedding but also we were shopping for my dress the day before the wedding … and there were about 50 people in your apartment, but it wasn’t your apartment because it had a giant basement, but they were all waiting for me. We were having a tea party.  Anyway, I showed up really late and I had forgotten to shower but it was too late so I had to wear my greasy hair in a pony tail for your wedding. I was also in sweatpants. On the way there, I got lost in the streets of New York but came across a group of sick, starving children from Africa. I thought it would help if I donated my cell phone to them, without being asked, so then I was without a cell phone and lost. Apparently I eventually figured out how to get there. Then my alarm went off so I never found out people’s response to my appearance, or your reaction.

And mine was frighteningly similar.  I dreamed that I forgot to check on the status of my dress … ever.  So for all I knew it may not have even come in to the store in Illinois, let alone been shipped to New York.  Not to mention dress fittings.  And I had forgotten to make programs.  Or buy shoes.  So my mom and I went to go find a new dress at 3pm (the dream wedding was going to take place at 5pm).  I was much more stressed out about programs in the dream, so I was trying to make them while people put dresses on me.  I also hadn’t showered and was trying to figure out something to do with my greasy, ratty hair.  I distinctly remember everyone else being much more concerned about this than I was.  They were yelling at me.  And they weren’t real people who I knew - just random wedding attendants.  And I was like, “Whatever, I just need to make the programs so everyone knows what’s going on at the wedding.”

No need for a psychiatrist.  I guess we’re both worried about getting everything done on time.  And I’m apparently worried that people won’t get what my wedding is all about.  Hence the frantic program-making.  It’s strange, though - I don’t feel at all worried in the light of day.  Nonetheless, I think it’s time to go over my timeline again.  Which is fine with me.  Because I LOVE LISTS!  At least lists that I make myself and that don’t come from some glossy magazine including ridiculous items like Meg’s does:

Brides: Choose your bridesmaids’ accessories (shoes, gloves, etc.) and either purchase or pass along purchasing information.

Brides: Experiment with your beauty routine, self-tanners, and facials.

But the best part is her commentary:

And just wait till next month. The three month list will require me to quit my job, get some heavy duty anxiety meds, and hire a wedding planner. It should be good times.

And one of the commenters added from her list:

Sit for your bridal portrait, if you decide to get one.

Yikes!  Bridal portrait?  No. Thank. You.  I’m already having nightmares about getting a dress, shoes, and programs.  I soooo don’t need a bridal portrait.  But I do still need to come up with the wording for our invitations.  That’s this weekend.

And maybe I should call that store in Illinois and check on the dress …

I am in love.  Yes, you know that - of course, I’m getting married.  But I’m referring to a different kind of love - my love for Meg.  And TTO and Bklyn and EastSide and Grace.  But mostly Meg.  I love her.  And she has inspired me to write more about the process and not just the details of this whole wedding extravaganza.  In the midst of all the lovely inspiration boards and DIY flowers and the like I kind of forgot the whole reason I set this little dlog up in the first place:

1. To connect with our Best Sisters and our Mothers - my mom and sister live far, far away and in order to help them be more active in the planning process I wanted them to be able to see my virtual wedding binder.

2. To keep a little virtual diary about the process of planning a sensible, considered, personal wedding that reflects who we are and what we value despite the pressures from the Wedding Industrial Complex (WIC).

So to stay true to number 2 I shall begin the reflections portion of my ramblings … now.

At the bookstore last night I made an indulgent purchase of the newest Martha Wedding mag.  It’s the only one I buy (read: the only one I can stomach) but it still hurts my practical, educated, liberated mind to read it.  But I just. can’t. help it.  Thankfully I mostly find the details ridiculous and I rarely feel envious of the things I cannot afford/are not my style.  But I empathize with the ladies who buckle under the pressures of the WIC and for this, I am sorry.  I am sorry that I buy Martha’s magazine.  But every once in a while there’s a really awesome place card design that I draw inspiration from and I must see it.

But the thing that gets me about these magazines and the most evil of all WIC media, the dreaded KNOT, is that they all look exactly the same.  Every itty bitty model making the dramatic come hither face in her strapless ball gown with cathedral train sprawled out on a decadent staircase beneath a crystal chandelier looks exactly the same and the next.  And none of them look like me - or anyone I know - or anyone I’d want to be friends with - or even sit next to at someone’s cookie cutter wedding.  But yet so many women, so many diverse women with such varying interests and tastes all have the same wedding.  I’ve been to a few, but mostly I’ve seen hundreds of them on facebook.  Eeek.

So my mission is to host a simple, practical, personal affair that reflects WHO WE ARE and not WHAT IS EXPECTED of us from the WIC, convention, tradition, etc.  And because of this I will continue to endure the confused reactions when I tell people that I don’t have a diamond (because I didn’t want one not because he’s too cheap and/or doesn’t love me enough), that I got him an engagement gift and surprised him with it before accepting the proposal (more on that later - one of my proudest moments), that I’m not hiring a florist, that we’re not going on a honeymoon right away, that I’m not changing my name, that I’m not having bridesmaids, that we’re not hiring a DJ, we’re not playing Jesu, Joy of a Man’s Desiring, we’re not reading 1Corinthians, etc, etc, etc.  And not that there’s anything wrong with any of those things, of course.  It’s just that they’re not US and so it doesn’t make sense for them to be at OUR wedding, you see.

Instead we do things that make us really, really happy (many thanks to Kelli) … like this: